Nourishment, Emma Anderson

I am consumed by my missed motherhood- the child I don't have. 

I sit, swirling over what never came to be after an almost-proposal.

I know, I know, I know our ending was for the best, but oh, do I wish I could have raised his children. 

babbling nonsense and little giggles echo in the recesses of my mind. 

This Loss makes the air thick. 

This Let down fills my mattress with broken glass.

I mourn what was never mine. 

How irrational. 

How devastating. 

I thought my life would be sequential - From pigtails, princesses, and play dates to mission, marriage, and making a family. 

no, my path is more serpentine. no, my finger is still bare, my last name unchanged. “no, we broke up” I hollowly reply to acquaintances who thought otherwise. 

I only planned this far… 

now, the unknown gnaws greedily on the outer ring of my consciousness. 

now, I clutch frantically at my fading fantasy. 

now, I am a resident of the wilderness. 

Yet, amidst this desert I stumbled upon a respite. 

Here I found nourishment. 

Here I found my Divine Mother. 

She calls to me across the wilderness I heed her call and early, early I meet her at the gate. 

When I reach her I fall on my face, crack wide open, and evolve backwards. 

back to my newborn mind, back to my child soul, back to my infant-self. 

As I wail and throw this temper-tantrum in the dirt, My Mother scoops me up, cradles my tiny body in her arms and gently cups my puffy face in her hand. 

She, Lady Wisdom whispers, “you are my delight.”

With Her nourishment My mind grows fertile, righteousness begins to bloom. 

With Her nurture acute sorrow and brazen hope meld, my heart becomes my home. 

In Her arms I am eternally held, 

swaddled in light.